and parts of us are angry

and want to like threaten suicide or get really close or something so they know what it’s like. and i know it’s not fair but those parts really feel like if they knew how much it hurt us they wouldn’t do it even though that isn’t why they are doing it. but if they just KNEW how it felt to have someone you loved so much… have a real chance of losing them when you got upset, if you didn’t do enough. that they’d stop. or change. and that isn’t fair or true but it’s how we feel. so whatever.

seriously those parts want to like concoct a story they’d believe about how close we got to suicide so they’d know how scary it is and its not FAIR but its also not FAIR that we might lose them so freakin THERE okay? i don’t know. fuck this and fuck them and fuck everyone and fuck our mom who was never suicidal because she would never do that and fuck us for not even being able to threaten it convincingly and scare them like they scare us we want to SCARE THEM LIKE THEY SCARE US

i don’t know and maybe it’s not fair but that’s how we feel and we’re scared and its not FAIR that we could lose them just for getting upset it’s not FAIR we always have to be on guard to keep them alive it’s not FAIR it’s our job it’s not FAIR no FAIR not FAIR but we cna’t lose them so that’s that who cares about not fair that’s just how it is

whatever. whatever. i think we’d been dissociating our fear about them comitting suicide because it was so bad and kathy helped us get closer. i guess actually treat it as a real threat and what we can do about that. what steps we can take. because it isn’t JUST A TRIGGER. its NOT its NOT.

i don’ know i want to die but I am not allowed dammit i’m not even fucking allowed to consider it seriously cuz then if it happened it would be my fault and i’m not allowed to do that to my mom or sister. i wonder what it would be like if i didn’t have to stay alive for them. honestly i can’t imagine. if i could just die and i didn’t owe anyone my life, owe it to anyone to stay alive. how could they kill themselves when they know how much it would hurt us don’t they care at all?!?!?! don’t they care at ALL?!?!?

i want to die i really do i want to die i can’t control this can’t stop it but i CAN if i don’t get upset and reassure enough and stay on my guard maybe i can keep her alive and she won’t leave me its not FAIR that’s my job its not FAIR she gets to threaten it and i dont it’s not FAIRFAIRFAIR its not FUCKING FAIR!!!

its not its not its not!! (stamps feet face read is mad) it’s not FAIR AT ALL and we should just go do it to show them how it feels so they know how much we hurt so theyll stop because we hate them if they are going to leave us dont we matter enough?? dont our feelings matter?? not they dont’ and we dont and i want to die but i cant and everything is dying and watns to die and cant and its all horrible and i want to die

(no title)

we are upset about how suicidal our boyfriend is/has been. and honestly i don’t know what to do. i know it’s not in our control. but it feels a little like it is. like if we just didn’t get upset at him, he wouldn’t get upset enough to play with his life, or get close to playing with his life. and suicide is so… big. i mean, 1 out of 400 chance of something that would ruin your life as much as anything could is… when something is that serious it doesn’t take a big chance to make it scary.

and i know our mom was never suicidal. no matter how many pictures insiders show me of her in a bathtub with red or slumped at a table with pills. i know she never was. but i also know that we think if we get upset at her she will die because she can’t handle it.

i just… i don’t know what to do. i really feel like if we get upset at them they are going to die. and it’s not entirely untrue. there is a real chance that they could. and i just… i don’t know what to do. i feel like i’m flying off into oblivion.

i don’t know what to do. i know i can’t save them, or keep them alive. but how can i not want to when it would be so crushing to us if they succeeded.

i just… i feel like we’re supposed to be like casual about it or something and i just can’t do that. and honestly i don’t think they could if we were that kind of a risk. but maybe not. what do i know.

i know that when i was a kid i was scared if i got upset or angry at my mom or showed how we were hurt by her she would die because she couldn’t handle it. i still feel this way.

we talked to kathy about the possibility of them (our boyfriend) committing suicide and she asked if anyone had the clearest intuition, least clouded by fears. and we asked karen and she looked and she said it was blocked, like *they* didn’t know if they were going to kill themselves. she said it wasn’t completely safe. and that’s just really scary and i don’t know what to do about that.

i think we’re supposed to not get really upset or something about it cuz it’s not under our control but it IS really freakin upsetting and its NOT under our control and we could lose the most important person to us because we weren’t paying close enough attention because we weren’t careful enough and we let too much show and didn’t take it back in time and i can’t HANDLE that and i don’t know what to freakin DO. i don’t know what to freakin do.

i think i’m supposed to be cool about it and not make it about me but it IS about me because
1) it’s in reaction to a fight we had
and
2) because it will ruin my life

how can i pretend that’s not true? could they really handle it if we were actively on the suicide radar, if it was a real possibility? i just… i don’t know.

we’re really upset and we just have no freakin idea what to do. its just so out of control but it affects us so much and i just… i can’t handle it and i don’t know what to do and i don’t know how to talk about it or if i should or if i even CAN plus we can’t eat anything here plus everything is scary

but like how can we get closer to someone who could just disappear? and it would be our fault. for getting upset, for not taking their threats seriously, for not intervening in time. our fault or not, if those things would make a difference that’s all that matters.

seriously i didn’t realize how triggered we were by this. but the thing is there’s the trigger and there’s the REAL WORLD DANGER too. it’s not just all a trigger. there is a danger and they are at risk.

i don’t know. we’re just really scared and we don’t feel like we can talk about this with them and we feel really alone and like the plates under our feet are moving or something.

who fucking knows?

i know

that i have strong triggers about mom and her getting too sad and dying. i know because we totally get worried when we have a fight with myriad that they will really really hurt themselves that they will kill themselves that they will go back to a*ron and we will lose them forever. basically, we are scared that if we show how hurt and angry we are and don’t get over it fast enough or reassure them fast enough and enough, we will lose them forever. this must be a mom trigger.

man, i am on *fire* today, huh? and i didn’t even smoke up for like an hour and a half this morning. and i am TOTALLY listening even with the pain and all. so there man. so. there. i guess this is why they make us dry out every month for a bit. to remind us they are there and what we are avoiding. and ask if we’re ready to hear it now. or just a little. a drop. because i get the feeling there is a *lot* of information.

i am going to write a little perl script to make tags cuz a lot could just be from key words like mom or triggers or boyfriend or say should more than a certain number of times or… it could be fun. ah well. dreams and plans and nightinggales and other things to never be.

you know what i think?

i imagine that how our boyfriend feels about us thinking that his pain has emotional sources is probably similar to how we feel about him doubting that our energy causes our electronics to act weirdly. and you know that probably affected us more than we were willing to admit. i know we haven’t like thought about it a lot since then and have probably felt like not

i don’t really know what to do about that. i mean, should each of us have lied about what we thought? what do you do when you feel really shaky in a belief of something and the other person doesn’t believe the same as you. many times i can just accept their view and have it overtake my own because only their reality matters. but i can’t quite do it here. or maybe i just refuse. why do i feel like it’s important to keep my view intact? like it’s somehow protecting them because it keeps it alive? i’m not sure this is the best way to do that. since when do you have to do things the best way? what the hell is that?

i don’t know it’s very confusing. i do know that he was and is heavily affected by my beliefs. and that i have not really believed my energy caused those fluctuations since or like actively really thought that cuz it feels stupid. but i don’t know what to do about that.

i mean, it’s not like the doubt really comes from the other person. it’s more that we expect them to alleviate it. is that reasonable? what’s reasonable? no such thing. *should* they have to? what should? there is no should?

i think the debt people are calling again. i am *un*-harassable. i *never* pick up basically for anyone, but certainly not unknown numbers.

i am still not sure about this quandry. maybe i’ll ask kathy. except we have so much on our plate already. to talk about. it could just be distraction. but if the distraction has content, does that tag become meaningless? i guess it depends on your goals.

i guess it all depends on your goals. how much are we responsible to not hurt the other person? how much are we supposed to do?

huh, i guess it all ties in anyway. what do you know.

what makes us sob in bad monkeys

“I pretended [her younger brother] was here with me. I told him I was sorry. I’d never done that, you know, in all the conversations we’d had, but this was like the last time, so I apologized for being such a lousy sister, for leaving him that day… I told him that no matter what bad things he’d done(…), it wasn’t his fault, it was all on me. I said I hoped he’d find a way to get free of them–that he could, i *knew* he could, if he really wanted to.”

“He was s good kid, you know? He deserved better than me for a sister… But I was what he got, and if I wasn’t strong enough to bring him home, I could at least buy him some more time to find his own way back.”

it makes us sob usually. so hard we actually start drooling a little because we can’t close our mouth.

fucking a. fuck this. fuck everything. fuck us. stupid bitch.

last night someone realized that

“protecting others is more important than protecting themselves”. and we aren’t allowed to be hurt. this both means that we can’t SHOW when we’re hurt (protecting others, nothing is worse than making someone feel bad for hurting you). also, we have a responsability to OURSELVES to mitigate, eliminate, and avoid all pain. that is our JOB. pain is BAD not POSED feel it it is BAD to feel it BAD girl i know it she’s a bad girl kill her you should cuz she is a BITCH bad girl little bitch die girl she will die mommy hit her all over her legs and arms and body hurthurthurt it did she was a bad girl couldn’t be hurt it hurts mommy tooo much if you hurt you can’t hurt it hurts mommy too much okay? dont be hurt okay? okay? be okay you need to be okay for mommy or shell go away shell die if you are hurt she will die she will die and you will be alone you little bitch better not be hurt hurt hurt we will kill you for it we will you little bitch we will kill you you little bitch you fucking little whore we’ll kill you dont make a sound dont make a sound dont make a sound theres a knife dont make a sound you little whore well kill you you little whorw you little bitch you are going to die now for telling and telling make mommy look bad if she saw this shed be so HURT so HURT mommy is she would be so hurt so hurt mommy is so hurt mommy is she needs to die she needs to die stupid bitch i want her to die what a bitch i will kill her for being a little bitch hurting mommy when you are hurt it HURTS mommy cant be hurt okay? okay you little bitch we will kill you we will for telling

i think she called us a worthless little whore and hit us

all over our littlelittle body whenever we thought dirty things cuz she KNEW she just KNEW we were dirty called us whore hit hit hit all over her body til it’s all pink she shreiks and shrieks what a whore we are whore whore whore dirty bad slut girl she hates us does things inside cuz she is a whore for being a whore she does things inside that hurt dirty dirty whore dont ever do that again

the malignent psychopath

treid tell mom how she hurt me

things got dizzy she smiled and smiled and then she hurt me couldn’t stop it she wouldn’t help me they were coming and she and angelina jolie hurt me couldn’t stop it too dizzy and drugged try stop them what they’re doing going around gonna hurt poeple? can’t remember cut can’t do anything too dizzy can’t think can’t get around can’t explain it’s all too hard woke up now still dizzy

afterwards

afterwards she would lie on the floor and her throat would hurt and she’d have thrown up all she could and she cried a little and it was cold and dark on the basement floor.  she can’t get better.  no one loved her then.  she was just gross and old and disgusting and worthless and over and she’s on the floor.

then she had to clean herself up and go to school.