in the dreams we are per-fect and proud
in the dreams we are sing-ing out loud
in the dreams we are whirling and twirlin unfurling be-siiide me!
(this is all sung in our head to a tune of something that sounds like “vive” from the scarlet pimpernel)

our teeth hurt from flossing for like 2 days before the dentist in hopes that it will not hurt so much and we’ll be less embarassed and get less of a lecture. we have things in the corrners of our mouth like high school. we see a girl with braids and ludicrously apple cheeks

our therapist asks us asks us asks us if these dreams could be triggered by some external event and she looked at the day sunday sunday 22 and so so we thought couldn’t remember those days or any days which we think is just cuz we don’t work so no like monuments to divide the day.

but there are sounds around and on the ceiling and outside and we need to change the locks we don’t have the money FIND THE MONEY so take it from the kids? just find it find it FIND IT. find out HOW MUCH IT IS

i am going to die i am ggoing to kill you you’re going to die you’re going to die you’re going to die you’re going to die

wait wait wait the txt from mom saying she bought this like remedy that sounded like it was for whatever the current bird flu thing was and should she get some for matt which is a threat to matt says someone anyway. we mentioned it or that we got one to our booyfriend (we have stopped filtering them through him because we thought we were being silly and overdramatic and there was nothing there anyway)

and i am remembering now that i think during my breakdown she was obsessed with bird flu and should sh espend $600 for pills or shots or whatever for her me my sister and my (now ex) girlfriend. which just to think of makes me ache. it’s so… futile. like she feels so threatened and is just doing whatever she can to defend herself. she needs me she needs me she needs me she needs me she needs me she needs me she needs me she needs me she needs me she needs me she’s coming she’s coming she’s coming she’s coming she’s coming she’s coming she’s coming she’s coming she’s coming sh’es coming can’t you hear the thundering bootsteps she’s coming she’s coming she’s coming it’s thrumming in our ears she is on her way she is a giant and she is on her way sttepping on villages there is no stopping her like in the dreams just hoping she doesn’t see us she’s coming she’s coming she’s coming

in the dreams we are on the floor the last i remember in a kitchen and we are frozen, trying to be invvisible so the people in the room won’t see us. they will look RIGHT AT US their eyes will sweep RIGHT OVER us and they won’t see us. they will make EYE CONTACT and not see us, fleeting contact but still. and it is just this absolute terror and lack of control over my safety and also their are bus rides and my old college campus and bus rides and van rides there is so much transportatiion trains planes sometimes dangerous like tiny planes dipping down crashing

i don’t know it’s all crazy and wrong we are wrong she isn’t coming coming she’s here she’s here she’s here she’s here she’s here she’s here she’s here she’s here she’s here she’s here she’s here she’s here she’s here where?

we sometimes are scared people are here but we can’t see them cuz they are in a blind spot or something. like how they shimmer closer in “bad monkeys”. she’s here she’s here she’s here. that’s why we can’t sleep maybe because we’re afrad of her coming in? we need to get the locks changed. like tomorrow.

something is happening. our tongue has been burning for days. plus random appearing and dissappearing canker sores. plus the cracks in the corners of our mouth that dissappear and reapppear. so much mouth stuff. the burnt tongue thing is really unnerving though, like we’ve lost our taste buds, like it’sa trheat or something. we’re scared

sometimes we miss sleeping in the same bed as someone. it always felt *so much* safer from attack. honestly, we wouldn’t feel safe to go in the halls. we dont even feel safe going in OURS.

i don’t know what’s going on help help help there is real danger real danger why did it take so long why didn’t you listen why can’t you listen why can’t you change the lock what is wrong with you why couldn’t you even ask how much it is why are you bloocking what is wrong with you what is wrong with you what is wrong with you our teeth hurt from flossing too so theres that we are scared and small and have to pee but are scared to go in our hall to the bathroom what if someone jumps out how could mom’s txt have conveyed that but what our therapist said jangled in our ears each eacho eacho eacho eacho eachoing around we need to die scared scared scared gotta have the red cyanide pill in your cheek like in the movie so you can die if the only thing left is torture or worse what is worse wouldn’t it stillf all under torture blah blah blah it’s a speech convention oh la de dah speech convention well what do you call it? a car hold.

it reminds me of how i couldn’t sleep in high school. was i scared she’d come in then but if i stayed awake i could keep it on this side of the bay? or something? i mean who knows? we want to watch noises off. maybe we can convince our boyfriend to watch it with us by bribing him with sexual favors, or party favors, or politcal favors, or just bestowing our favor. aren’t we the clever ones clever clever clever. we used to be much more verbal you know with a narrator talking about everything making us out into the humble hero, or at least an engaging protagonist. whatever. she is so scared. but maybe it helps to write about to explore. i guess we are many of us introverted after all. takes a while for things to stew. sometimes a REALLY long while, like the computer in hitchiker’s guide. somethimes less. sometimes mroe. she needs to cry she needs the door she needs a walk she need s a rhyne to make and mock the lasting time lalalalalalala

everything is scared scared wish we didn’t sleep alone but then again gotta have a very specific like type of relationship or SOMETHIGN to be able to actually get quality sleep in the same bed. i’m not sure what it is. maybe it’s just bedmate chemistry and blah blah balh i can’t even get into it

we’re just scared. and our gums hurt. but the stuff we’re smoking is high class quality yippeecayocaye.