so we know they’re still alive, at least. it reminds us of when we were younger and we’d be scared whenever mom was the tiniest late or just gone that something had happened to her and she was dead. some kind of lack of control thing? i don’t get it. i don’t get what’s going on. maybe it’s just an odd manifestation. let”s look deeper.
okay, so really we’re scared that something will happen to them when we’re not there that we could have prevented. which actually is the case with our sister in a lot of dreams.
some kind of thing about messing up, not paying close enough attention, so you lose the person, and you don’t know what’s happening if they’re dead or alive but if you’d done a better job if you’d been there they would have been okay but you weren’t. dammit. dammit.
there’s an “it’s too late”. it’s too late and it’s my fault. which is a common thing with us. it’s too late you missed your chance it’s messed up and now there’s nothing you can do but wait there is nothing you can do. i like the monsters game we play with him cuz it’s like that but it’s NICE like it’s not all your fault or responsability, there’s only something you can do.
this was a big thing with our mother. we were a bad girl bad girl bad girl alice alice alice bad alice good alice bad alice good alice bad alice good alice bad alice good alice bad alice good alice
i can’t remember what i was gonna say about being too late and how it goes with my mom but it does. “it’s too late and you’ve lost them”.
you’ll never be good enough you messed up it’s too late why weren’t you paying attention why weren’t you paying attention? “pay attnetion” dad used to say to our sister made us mad she WAS payin attention stupid adult thing to say to yell at kids for bein kids pay attneiton! i hated him for saying that and i’d yell back sometimes or alot i don’t know. maybe they are the same thing.
i wish i could remember what i was going to say about my mom.
we’re been doing a lot of things like middle and high school a bit. drinking soda. eating fast food. feeling our body be so weak and heavy we just go and lie down and watch tv. wierd things in the corners of our moth like cracks that hurt.
i don’t know we want that alice doll and if they don’t do something or let us get it we might just buy it so there what are you going to do about it?
stupid stupid stupid bitch we’re worse with money lately, more compulsive less careful in our spending which is shamefully when we have like no money. which i would normally argue is classist and anti-poor but it’s me and i’m upper class so there you go.
there you go in forrests and the girls are like centaurs but with just 2 legs. like bottom says someone but that’s not right. tumnus? someone. who knows who knoes who knows
weve been called bitch and worthless whore and whorelette and whorelings so much it is like worthless whore is a semi-constant chant in the back or farther forward i don’t know why we’re writting but also we’ve been more verbal lately, sometimes even the narrator who refers to us as she
we got food today we are getting scared dont know why know why know why know why know why know why needs to die getting scaredscared in our chest like a bag going over our head plastic losing air air air air air can’t can’t too much can’t can’t can’t too much can’t can’t can’t too much they can push you so far you know before you even know how far you’ve gone that is the trick of it you lose all perspective and it’s not fair to take it in daylight and pretend like that’s how it was cuz that’s like backdating the modern idea of gay you know it is i want to die i want to die
i know if i don’t pay close enough attention, she’ll die. to what i don’t know. i can’t imagine how i could have messed u or not taken it seriously but it wasn’t when i saw the carebears that’s for sure and still i see it as real i see it i want to die getting scared getting scared getting need to die need to die scared
scared can’t remember what we wanted to say about our mom and too late. she is always worried too late too. already too late. gotta make up for it. cuz it’s already too late we messed up it’s too late it’s too late gotta make up for it bea good girl make up for it scaredscaredscaredscared
oh!! the thing with my mom. damn i lost it again. DAMMIT.
the thing is there’s NO ONE ELSE. what’s fair or unfair doesn’t matter. you are the only one who can do it. there is no one else. so you HAVE to. like in buffy, and alias, when it comes down to it, it is on HER shoulders only she can do what is necessary.
we banged our knee earlier and it really hurts. i hope it isn’t like hurt hurt. it’s hard for us to take injuries on our knee seriously but this one *hurts* plus it looks a little like it’s swelling please don’t let it be serious and have to be treated.
but the idea is there is no one else. and something happens to the sister, and once it happens it is irreversible you can’t stop it. though buffy does by killing herself which is a fantasy because that’s what we all want. but there is just a point of no return and once it’s done it’s done. is that what our fear of death is? this “once it’s done it’s done” thing? it feels a little lighter or something when we write it so maybe. huh.
once it’s done it’s done. someone wrote a while ago once it starts you can’t stop it. except by killing her. and that’s because you missed your chance, you let her down, and now it’s too late and you have to kill her. you have to kill her. you have to kill her because she is a monster because you left her alone you left her alone you left her alone don’t ever leave her alone don’t ever leave her alone she will die she will die she will die she will die you can’t ever leave her alone
it sounds like someone screaming in agony outside but it is so faint i know it is a drill or people cheering, our ear can make it into anything and make it real.
we are making progress on this. we’ll get there. only been circling for a few years. on one memory. ah well. it must be a doozy.
and with that glib note, she departs.
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