this post-secret scared us

and we can’t even admit it because we know secretly people are thinking it’s true for us and how we should just do better and smoke less and take it seriously and how it’s our fault and we’re bad.

in the dreams we are per-fect and proud
in the dreams we are sing-ing out loud
in the dreams we are whirling and twirlin unfurling be-siiide me!
(this is all sung in our head to a tune of something that sounds like “vive” from the scarlet pimpernel)

our teeth hurt from flossing for like 2 days before the dentist in hopes that it will not hurt so much and we’ll be less embarassed and get less of a lecture. we have things in the corrners of our mouth like high school. we see a girl with braids and ludicrously apple cheeks

our therapist asks us asks us asks us if these dreams could be triggered by some external event and she looked at the day sunday sunday 22 and so so we thought couldn’t remember those days or any days which we think is just cuz we don’t work so no like monuments to divide the day.

but there are sounds around and on the ceiling and outside and we need to change the locks we don’t have the money FIND THE MONEY so take it from the kids? just find it find it FIND IT. find out HOW MUCH IT IS

i am going to die i am ggoing to kill you you’re going to die you’re going to die you’re going to die you’re going to die

wait wait wait the txt from mom saying she bought this like remedy that sounded like it was for whatever the current bird flu thing was and should she get some for matt which is a threat to matt says someone anyway. we mentioned it or that we got one to our booyfriend (we have stopped filtering them through him because we thought we were being silly and overdramatic and there was nothing there anyway)

and i am remembering now that i think during my breakdown she was obsessed with bird flu and should sh espend $600 for pills or shots or whatever for her me my sister and my (now ex) girlfriend. which just to think of makes me ache. it’s so… futile. like she feels so threatened and is just doing whatever she can to defend herself. she needs me she needs me she needs me she needs me she needs me she needs me she needs me she needs me she needs me she needs me she’s coming she’s coming she’s coming she’s coming she’s coming she’s coming she’s coming she’s coming she’s coming sh’es coming can’t you hear the thundering bootsteps she’s coming she’s coming she’s coming it’s thrumming in our ears she is on her way she is a giant and she is on her way sttepping on villages there is no stopping her like in the dreams just hoping she doesn’t see us she’s coming she’s coming she’s coming

in the dreams we are on the floor the last i remember in a kitchen and we are frozen, trying to be invvisible so the people in the room won’t see us. they will look RIGHT AT US their eyes will sweep RIGHT OVER us and they won’t see us. they will make EYE CONTACT and not see us, fleeting contact but still. and it is just this absolute terror and lack of control over my safety and also their are bus rides and my old college campus and bus rides and van rides there is so much transportatiion trains planes sometimes dangerous like tiny planes dipping down crashing

i don’t know it’s all crazy and wrong we are wrong she isn’t coming coming she’s here she’s here she’s here she’s here she’s here she’s here she’s here she’s here she’s here she’s here she’s here she’s here she’s here where?

we sometimes are scared people are here but we can’t see them cuz they are in a blind spot or something. like how they shimmer closer in “bad monkeys”. she’s here she’s here she’s here. that’s why we can’t sleep maybe because we’re afrad of her coming in? we need to get the locks changed. like tomorrow.

something is happening. our tongue has been burning for days. plus random appearing and dissappearing canker sores. plus the cracks in the corners of our mouth that dissappear and reapppear. so much mouth stuff. the burnt tongue thing is really unnerving though, like we’ve lost our taste buds, like it’sa trheat or something. we’re scared

sometimes we miss sleeping in the same bed as someone. it always felt *so much* safer from attack. honestly, we wouldn’t feel safe to go in the halls. we dont even feel safe going in OURS.

i don’t know what’s going on help help help there is real danger real danger why did it take so long why didn’t you listen why can’t you listen why can’t you change the lock what is wrong with you why couldn’t you even ask how much it is why are you bloocking what is wrong with you what is wrong with you what is wrong with you our teeth hurt from flossing too so theres that we are scared and small and have to pee but are scared to go in our hall to the bathroom what if someone jumps out how could mom’s txt have conveyed that but what our therapist said jangled in our ears each eacho eacho eacho eacho eachoing around we need to die scared scared scared gotta have the red cyanide pill in your cheek like in the movie so you can die if the only thing left is torture or worse what is worse wouldn’t it stillf all under torture blah blah blah it’s a speech convention oh la de dah speech convention well what do you call it? a car hold.

it reminds me of how i couldn’t sleep in high school. was i scared she’d come in then but if i stayed awake i could keep it on this side of the bay? or something? i mean who knows? we want to watch noises off. maybe we can convince our boyfriend to watch it with us by bribing him with sexual favors, or party favors, or politcal favors, or just bestowing our favor. aren’t we the clever ones clever clever clever. we used to be much more verbal you know with a narrator talking about everything making us out into the humble hero, or at least an engaging protagonist. whatever. she is so scared. but maybe it helps to write about to explore. i guess we are many of us introverted after all. takes a while for things to stew. sometimes a REALLY long while, like the computer in hitchiker’s guide. somethimes less. sometimes mroe. she needs to cry she needs the door she needs a walk she need s a rhyne to make and mock the lasting time lalalalalalala

everything is scared scared wish we didn’t sleep alone but then again gotta have a very specific like type of relationship or SOMETHIGN to be able to actually get quality sleep in the same bed. i’m not sure what it is. maybe it’s just bedmate chemistry and blah blah balh i can’t even get into it

we’re just scared. and our gums hurt. but the stuff we’re smoking is high class quality yippeecayocaye.

alright, he said, i’ll make you a deal

it hasn’t happened yet.  there is time time enough for you to figure it out and stop it. if you can read the clues correctly. and there will be clues.  and if you get them, you can find the bomb and defuse (diffuse?) it in time.  if you get it right, if you see what’s right in front of you.  but who knows?  maybe it’s worth the explosion.

she just looked surprised.  there was too much to think and the right side of her head and jaw had started to ache, and the left side of her neck.

if you look too hard you’ll make it worse, he said.

haw can i possibly know? she asked.

don’t worry, he smiled.  there are months yet.

in the dreams

we are in malls, in stores that sell fancy dresses, in elevators, in vans, in stores and restaurants where you stop along the way on a road trip, planes, trains, cars, we are always running, performing, in our hold high/middle school, in the gym and audiorium and locker room and lounge, in ny, in big grocery stores, in trance in everywhere in and out gone and out and around and gone moving moving moving moving moving always going going going going going

in the dreams we are more scared than seems to make sense aand we can fly somewhat. or jump far. we can jump and run and we can do anything almost and there is sun and amusement parks and hills and highways crazy crazy crazy

not feelin good not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not so scared so scared always tryin stay safe stay safe stay safe no one cares tyrin not care always houses victorian houses on hills and walking around the hills on roads and also bus stops and woods

and apartments or dorm rooms and people try get in come in and dark and light and everything i want to die i do i want to die i do i want to die i do

every dream is a backwards talking dream run forward with what they are trying to tell us they whisper conspiratorilly but we must not want to know. how much more could there be to know? is that all? how much more could there be that’s worse. does it actually have to get worse?

plastic plastic plastc plastic plastc plastic plastic plastic plastic plastic plastic plastic plastic plastic plastic plastic plastic plastic plastic plastic plastic plastic plastic plastic plastic plastic plastic plastic plastic plastic plastic plastic plastic plastic plastic plastic plastic plastic plastic plastic plastic plastic plastic plastic plastic plastic plastic plastic plas tic plas tic plastic plas tic plastic plastic plas tic

bad girl bad girl bad girl bad girl gonna try make a movie show what happened

what we want

– the alice barbie
– the outfit for the red riding hood barbie
– the april, may, and opal birthstone barbies
– silver and prism glitter from that kit store
– the martha stewart 24-color glitter set

yes those are the things

if we had *all* the money in the world we would buy

– the alice in wonderland barbie
– the red riding hood barbie *dress* at least
– the martha stewart 24 color glitter set!!
– the silver and prism glitter from the kit art place online

but that is not how it is unfortunaterly but that’s okay we know it’s okay but it’s okay to want too even want REALLY bad

oh and we’d get ALL the rest of the birthstone beauty barbie dolls, but at least april and may and whatever opal is with the light pink dress but really we’d want them all

we keep checking their status thing to see if it’s green

so we know they’re still alive, at least. it reminds us of when we were younger and we’d be scared whenever mom was the tiniest late or just gone that something had happened to her and she was dead. some kind of lack of control thing? i don’t get it. i don’t get what’s going on. maybe it’s just an odd manifestation. let”s look deeper.

okay, so really we’re scared that something will happen to them when we’re not there that we could have prevented. which actually is the case with our sister in a lot of dreams.

some kind of thing about messing up, not paying close enough attention, so you lose the person, and you don’t know what’s happening if they’re dead or alive but if you’d done a better job if you’d been there they would have been okay but you weren’t. dammit. dammit.

there’s an “it’s too late”. it’s too late and it’s my fault. which is a common thing with us. it’s too late you missed your chance it’s messed up and now there’s nothing you can do but wait there is nothing you can do. i like the monsters game we play with him cuz it’s like that but it’s NICE like it’s not all your fault or responsability, there’s only something you can do.

this was a big thing with our mother. we were a bad girl bad girl bad girl alice alice alice bad alice good alice bad alice good alice bad alice good alice bad alice good alice bad alice good alice

i can’t remember what i was gonna say about being too late and how it goes with my mom but it does. “it’s too late and you’ve lost them”.

you’ll never be good enough you messed up it’s too late why weren’t you paying attention why weren’t you paying attention? “pay attnetion” dad used to say to our sister made us mad she WAS payin attention stupid adult thing to say to yell at kids for bein kids pay attneiton! i hated him for saying that and i’d yell back sometimes or alot i don’t know. maybe they are the same thing.

i wish i could remember what i was going to say about my mom.

we’re been doing a lot of things like middle and high school a bit. drinking soda. eating fast food. feeling our body be so weak and heavy we just go and lie down and watch tv. wierd things in the corners of our moth like cracks that hurt.

i don’t know we want that alice doll and if they don’t do something or let us get it we might just buy it so there what are you going to do about it?

stupid stupid stupid bitch we’re worse with money lately, more compulsive less careful in our spending which is shamefully when we have like no money. which i would normally argue is classist and anti-poor but it’s me and i’m upper class so there you go.

there you go in forrests and the girls are like centaurs but with just 2 legs. like bottom says someone but that’s not right. tumnus? someone. who knows who knoes who knows

weve been called bitch and worthless whore and whorelette and whorelings so much it is like worthless whore is a semi-constant chant in the back or farther forward i don’t know why we’re writting but also we’ve been more verbal lately, sometimes even the narrator who refers to us as she

we got food today we are getting scared dont know why know why know why know why know why know why needs to die getting scaredscared in our chest like a bag going over our head plastic losing air air air air air can’t can’t too much can’t can’t can’t too much can’t can’t can’t too much they can push you so far you know before you even know how far you’ve gone that is the trick of it you lose all perspective and it’s not fair to take it in daylight and pretend like that’s how it was cuz that’s like backdating the modern idea of gay you know it is i want to die i want to die

i know if i don’t pay close enough attention, she’ll die. to what i don’t know. i can’t imagine how i could have messed u or not taken it seriously but it wasn’t when i saw the carebears that’s for sure and still i see it as real i see it i want to die getting scared getting scared getting need to die need to die scared

scared can’t remember what we wanted to say about our mom and too late. she is always worried too late too. already too late. gotta make up for it. cuz it’s already too late we messed up it’s too late it’s too late gotta make up for it bea good girl make up for it scaredscaredscaredscared

oh!! the thing with my mom. damn i lost it again. DAMMIT.

the thing is there’s NO ONE ELSE. what’s fair or unfair doesn’t matter. you are the only one who can do it. there is no one else. so you HAVE to. like in buffy, and alias, when it comes down to it, it is on HER shoulders only she can do what is necessary.

we banged our knee earlier and it really hurts. i hope it isn’t like hurt hurt. it’s hard for us to take injuries on our knee seriously but this one *hurts* plus it looks a little like it’s swelling please don’t let it be serious and have to be treated.

but the idea is there is no one else. and something happens to the sister, and once it happens it is irreversible you can’t stop it. though buffy does by killing herself which is a fantasy because that’s what we all want. but there is just a point of no return and once it’s done it’s done. is that what our fear of death is? this “once it’s done it’s done” thing? it feels a little lighter or something when we write it so maybe. huh.

once it’s done it’s done. someone wrote a while ago once it starts you can’t stop it. except by killing her. and that’s because you missed your chance, you let her down, and now it’s too late and you have to kill her. you have to kill her. you have to kill her because she is a monster because you left her alone you left her alone you left her alone don’t ever leave her alone don’t ever leave her alone she will die she will die she will die she will die you can’t ever leave her alone

it sounds like someone screaming in agony outside but it is so faint i know it is a drill or people cheering, our ear can make it into anything and make it real.

we are making progress on this. we’ll get there. only been circling for a few years. on one memory. ah well. it must be a doozy.

and with that glib note, she departs.

here is what i know

i know we are scared that if we aren’t watching close enough our boyfriend will disappear or die. clearly this is some kind of trigger, however much it is based in reality. sounds like a mom one. or maybe it’s a distraction from something else. or related. or a manifestation. or all of the above or some or none.

we want more than anything the alice in wonderland barbie doll. we found her for $27, the lowest anywhere. but it is a no say the adults. we just don’t have that kind of money. but *she* is such a great doll and her *dress* is so wonderful. what a bitch wanting things can’t have bitch want die kill her kill her kill her kill her.

things that suck

how our body feels. our financial situation. problems with the family. that i think we just didn’t turn our function report for our reconsideration so i guess we’ll get rejected. so that helps the finances. fucking bitch and it’s ALL our fault. so really not only do things suck, but every second we are worsening our financial situation by not doing what we need to do. so beat *that*.

worthless

we keep looking at our boyfriend’s dot to see if he’s online cuz that means he’s alive. green means go. clearly this is some big trigger. perhaps related to one of the 2 things holding us in place. the mom one.

ourboyfriend said this thing when we were saying how like we didn’t think it would be that tough for mom or sister to believe like people had been molesters and sister seemed to even think maybe dad was anyway. and he said that we must have some defenses so strong, we don’t even need denial. that’s echoed in our head a lot since then. it feels really true. and it’s like “what could they be?” so were thinkin and thinkin